I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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