Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
