Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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