He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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