i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
