That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
