I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize