My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
even my farts smell like vagina
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
