your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
