So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
