Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
