I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize