The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
