We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize