i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
