Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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