After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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