it's not cheating when I paid for it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
