Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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