yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize