I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
