i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
why does every cop we meet know your name?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
