They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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