he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
