not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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