Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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