I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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