You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
