bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
