broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
