i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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