Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize