i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
