someone get that fucking seahorse.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize