in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
