Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He passed out mid-signature
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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