Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
