I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
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