i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just pee around me
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
