He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
