Will you blow on my dice?
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
