he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Edward fifth and chaser hands
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
