I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
