I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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