also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
