lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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