Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
