my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
