We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
