I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
