never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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