i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
