My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
