The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
