Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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