she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
