i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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