Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
