I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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